I Live With a Republican and a Democrat, and I Love the Crap Out of Both of Them

Posted: November 7, 2012 in purple

If you pay any attention to cognitive studies these days, you’ll know that scientists are finding fewer and fewer large scale differences between the animal and human brains. Instead, complex human behaviors have merely been tacked onto already existent parts of the animal brain. For example, several neuroimaging studies have found that navigating through a space activates the same part of the brain as organizing abstract concepts—i.e., we move through our physical space with the same part of the brain that we use to map out our ideas.

What this all points to for me is that my dog and cat really are the furry humans they seem to be. Let’s look at politics. Juno is clearly the Republican here:

Juno came from one of the nicest doggie shelters in town, where no animals are ever killed and nice people came to walk her here and there. Once she had a home, she set to consuming anything and everything that looked interesting to her—phone cords, pillows, lighters, markers, etc. She prefers the plushest of beds, and pees on ones that are clearly bought from discount stores. In short, Juno has some serious entitlement issues. What’s more, she severely distrusts children and poor people. Does Juno see the bright future of the nation in the faces of the tiny humans she encounters? Negative. These pint-sized gremlin creatures are clearly beings of evil who only want to contaminate her with their lack of education and discipline. I caught her growling at a baby in Jiffy Lube once. Fact. Poor people are even worse. If you are unshowered, have a large beard, wear tattered clothing, or just have nothing better to do but sit on the street and try to pet dogs that walk by, you are going to receive some seriously sketched out growls and under-the-breath insults from this canine. Don’t even try to approach her. She’ll run away like a Southern white woman in a black gay bar. Also, I’m fairly sure that Juno expects the rapture to happen every day—you should see how nuts she goes for bright lights and reflections.

Henry, on the other hand, is a man of the street and definitely a Democrat:

Henry came straight from the pound yo, where mother*ckers disappeared every day and were never seen or heard from again. Some seriously messed up shit. Even though he, like Juno, is black, Juno has always treated him like an immigrant, an invader to her territory. Juno likes to sit on top of him, just to make sure he knows he’s the little guy. This has clearly caused Henry to have an inferiority complex, because he tries to compensate by getting as fat as possible and climbing up to the highest places in the house. To get what he wants, Henry knows he’s got to make his voice heard. Whether that’s by chewing open entire loaves of bread, knocking over the trashcan, or cuddling up to you in the early hours of the morning only to slowly dig his claws into your neck, this guy believes in doing whatever it takes to achieve his goals. Sure, lots of doors are closed to him. Henry James Patsiokas will figure out how to open them—you can be sure of that. Henry believes, above all, in equality. What does Henry say when Juno gets a new toy and his expectant meows are answered only with the paltry offering of a treat from the bag he’s been tired of for weeks? He turns around, sticks his tail straight up in the air, and shows you his butthole. Talk about body language. All this guy wants are the same privileges that the spoiled, slobbery canine who can’t even cover up its own poop gets.

There is, however, some common ground between these ideologically opposed beasts. That, my friends, is cuddling. Yes, the mornings are filled with each one on either side of me alternatively sidling closer and closer to my face to try to prove he or she is the favored one. Juno will slap Henry in the face with her paw; Henry will latch onto Juno’s ear or leg with his teeth. But when the two of them find a way to let go and sink into the sleepy warmth of good cuddles, we all drift off into a peaceful post-wake-up nap and enjoy the most luxurious feeling of contentment in the world. Until Henry gets hungry again.

Advertisements
Comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s